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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
haven鈥檛 exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it鈥檚 on the table
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[in bed]
Me: Don鈥檛 you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn鈥檛 what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you鈥檙e gonna wake my mom
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I鈥檓 lazy.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don鈥檛 like it!
Me: How will you know you don鈥檛 like it if you don鈥檛 try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What鈥檚 pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN鈥橳 LIKE IT
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
馃惔: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Breaking news:
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we鈥檙e all so pleasant
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.