7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.