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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted