@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

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@DairylandDon

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

@bornmiserable

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

@mjkspeaks

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

@TheAlexNevil

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

@SoVeryBritish

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

@JesusMcangry

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@david8hughes

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.