75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I want to meet the individual who made this
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.