Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”