75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

You Might Also Like


Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.


“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV


Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.


“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”



you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.


When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.


*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!


Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”