@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

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@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@lionheaded_

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

@patcasey72

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

@Valdemort_Arg

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

@Fyrekrakr73

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@massive_images

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”