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On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”