Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person