76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Worst Native American name ever.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE