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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
road rage
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Liquor Store Parking
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.