You Might Also Like
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
One venti cheeseburger please.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”