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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.