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[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
True
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.