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me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.