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TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Mouse
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I have never related to a cat more
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive