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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake