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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.