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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know