78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Not my job 😂
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.