78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.