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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.