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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad