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you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
don’t we all