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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess