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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Never forget.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman