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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”