79.
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Pot warmers of the day.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Food gives you energy to nap more.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO