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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”