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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.