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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
😎 🍻
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.