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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.