7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
cat vs inanimate object
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]