7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
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*hands you a ferret*
doing some research
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
this isn’t threatening at all
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going