7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
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dude it’s called proctologist
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Spotted in New Orleans.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.