7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
mmm onion ringos
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
figuring out my emotional availability:
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING