7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame