7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
How can I say no to this ?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
yea so i messed up lol
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*