7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Mhm.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Check out the legs on this baby
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂