7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)