7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
calling in to work dehydrated
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck