7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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wtf is a larm clock?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: