Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves