Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”