7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”