7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You Might Also Like
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
im all 3
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.