Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.