7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You Might Also Like
Sharon, call the vet
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.