7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️