7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
constantly working on myself.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”