7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
happy friday
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?