7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
🤣🤣
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
He died doing what he loved: being alive
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline