Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: I like Cats
He:

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him