7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.