7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.