[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin