[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Well, shit
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
mentally somewhere in italy
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Canada has crack?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour