8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.